Bella And The Smock Of Injustice
by J. L. Collins
Summary: Bella ends up with a copy of SMeyer's "Twilight". What will she do with this eerie story that is so close to her own? Read and find out! Crack-fic with a funny, very OOC Bella and Crew. Human names changed to protect the innocent. ;


**This is my attempt at a humorous waay OOC Bella, who :gasps: comes in contact with a story that seems awfully familiar to her. Short tidbit that randomly popped in my head when I should've been sleeping.**

**And p.s.: I'm still not sure if this is considered a crack-fic or what. But here it goes!**

Bella And The Smock Of Injustice

So yeah, I totally knew it was meant to be. The signs were there all along...the traits that could possibly belong to me...the way her name was so close to mine. Okay, the way it was exactly like mine. Or mine.

Whatevs, it's _all_ the same.

Did I ever dream that one day Angelica would come up to me with this book that seemed to eerily foreshadow my life? No. Did I think that maybe she'd developed one too many photos and the red light bulb thingee in her 'dark room' somehow fried her brain cells? Um, check.

** _'Blurry Flashback' to three days earlier when Bella was only sorta a pain-in-the-ass. _**

"Bella! Oh-em-gee did you hear about this new book that was just published and then rushed to the bookstores and then virally advertised online via annoying myspace advertisements that make you click to turn the sound off?? Did you?"

Angelica rushed to my side, holding a copy of what could only be described as possibly a modernized version of the Bible. Hence the dainty hands/arms holding the red apple, Eve-style.

I frowned as I pushed the book out of my face, due to the fact that I only like to _pretend_ that I love reading, participating in intellectually-stimulating conversations, having an old-soul or something and like, you know, _culture_. Who did this girl think she was, anyway? I was in the middle of trying out that old trick where if you mouth the words 'I want to vacuum,' they come out looking like you're saying 'I want to eff you.' Not that I would ever say the actual eff-word.

"Seriously Bella, you should look through it. It's about this girl named (ha) Bella Swan and how she falls in love with this vampire. Only I'm _pretty_ sure he rejects her because he's gay and is actually in love with one of his adoptive brothers. Only his adoptive brother is so awesome that he thinks fighting grizzly bears is fun and he totally gets it on with this guy's sister who is really the hottest girl on the planet. And they have these parents that......." I nodded along, still trying out the 'vacuum' trick. Maybe Mick would notice me saying it and it would make him all giggly and hard because he super wants my hoo-ha, _really_ bad. And maybe if I lick my lips at him just right he might just-

"And then the Edward guy kinda rips into the bad vampire. But the main chica is all in pain or whatever and instead of changing her into one of them, he whispers some lullaby to her about how she is his soul ripped into a thousand pieces and scattered into the midnight sky where angels sing her name while crying rainstorms and...."

My ears only perked up when _his_ name made it's way into the one-sided conversation. _Mmm, Edward. Eddie-kins. Eddie mah boo. _

Edward's my boyfriend of almost seven and a half-weeks and I think maybe a couple of hours. All depending on, of course, if we count it from the first time he spied and watched me in my room knowingly to me....or if we count from the first time he sniffed me and wanted to rip my spinal-cord from my lifeless body. I secretly count it from when he called me his 'spider monkey'. Gosh, isn't he seriously _so_ romantic? Le sigh.

"What's this about some guy named Edward? Because I should seriously rip his heart out and feed it to my sisters for even _trying_ to be me." a sultry voice came from behind us. My heart did a somersault when I saw ice-cold fingers graze my washed copy of War And Peace.

_He says he doesn't touch me because he's afraid he could smash my frail human bones to powder and something about me not having a chiseled-enough chest for him...but I think it's because he's trying to protect his virtue and he's so in lust over my body that it causes him physical pain to be so close to my hot, skinny, pale-ass frame. _

_I mean...I'm clumsy and have tiny wrists that could break if you pull my hand too hard. _

_I mean...my character flaws are so balanced with the fact that I'm like the most popular girl at school...wait..._

_I don't think every guy at Forks High wants to eff me, Edward only knows they do....no, that came out wrong too._

In the midst of my inner-monologue, Edward sat down next to Mick, diagonally across from Jess, who was to the right of me. I loved when he got close enough for me to smell dead, furry animals on him. Mmm.

"You might want to read this too, Edward. Angelica says that it's very interesting and not at all close to the real situation you've dragged the rest of us into," Alice commented. In case you couldn't read into her overly-wordy sentence, she's Edward's adoptive sister and she can predict the future like that Nostril-Anonymous guy who thinks he foresaw the apocalypse or something. And we totes get together for pre-arranged sleepovers. We even have matching bff bracelets. And she only locked me in the bathroom closet once!

Edward took the book that Angelica was parading about and read it in 8.45 seconds. He furrowed his well-manicured brows at Alice and they started to whisper quietly to themselves. Before I realized what was going on, they both jumped up as if they heard that ridiculous Van Halen song...

"What's wrong, my lover?" I asked, curious as to why they were walking away from the table at half their vampire speed. Looking back on it, I don't think Tyger deserved to die from the resulting fiery trail left behind in their wake. Luckily though, most people didn't pay attention to the sound barrier being broken anyway and so their super-secret vampyness was still under wraps.

I picked up the singed copy of the book that was causing such a stir.

"Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer seemed to be the new talk of the town, from what I could tell.

After reading the back-cover summary, I felt my stomach drop to somewhere lower in the portion of my body that holds my stomach.

Could it be? Was there really a story being written about my life? And if so...could they possibly get one of the those cute girls from 'Jersey Shore' to play me in the Lifetime movie version of it? Because I could really see a fist-pumping version of Edward grinding on me in a hot tub somewhere, while expressing his emo-side to me.

So many questions, so little time to answer them. It was already three o'clock before I realized that I was still sitting in the cafeteria alone. School had let out almost an hour earlier.

I cried to myself a little, due to the blatant rejection from my Edward and the fact that no one bothered to tell me that today was Fork High's 'Super-Weenie Wednesday.' I had totally packed my own lunch that consisted of a piece of nibbled-on lettuce and a spoon to eat said lettuce with.

I scratched my head in wonder, wondering if I should call Edward or go home to cry some more on my pretty purple, silky bed...when all of the sudden, my phone rang. I looked at the incoming call picture that was just a pair of ripped up jean shorts.

Ah, it was my other bff, Jacob....

tbc!

A/N: **Okay so yeah, this was definitely a crack-fic. Her-her! I do love Bella in her own little way, but writing out everything that makes me laugh at the whole series...I find it therapeutic. Oh and yes, I will continue this. Sorry it's so short to start off with. :) And a box a conversation hearts to the person who correctly guesses the Nickelodeon show reference in here. :) And no...there is no rhyme or reason to the title. I just think the word 'smock' is kinda hilarious. And injustice always makes me think of odd-looking superheroes who have very booming voices. **


End file.
